Now that I've jumped into this, it is hard to know where to begin...
I guess I'll start in the middle and see where it gets me ~ no guarantees that I won't go back later and fill in more of my past.
In September of 2005, I embarked on a journey to change the course of my life. At the time, I weighed 326 pounds, down from my usual 335, but I often dropped a few pounds each summer because of increased activity levels. I had recently had a physical and my doctor was strongly encouraging blood pressure medication. This was too much for me to think about. The idea of being dependent on a pill for something I had done to myself was intolerable. I felt ashamed and I felt like I needed to be more in charge of my destiny. Stubbornness was my catalyst, I guess you could say. I was NOT going to be controlled by a pill!
I thought all summer and planned how I would start. I knew my limitations ~ it's not like I hadn't tried to lose weight before... For me, it was critical to remove all temptation from my environment, so the first step was to remove all potentially dangerous food from my home. Over the final week-end, I cleaned out the fridge, the pantry, the cabinets. Opened packages were tossed in the trash. Anything new and unopened was taken to the local food pantry. Once things were cleared out, I went shopping and stocked all kinds of appropriate food. I had read the South Beach Diet in anticipation and I armed myself with choices for phase one. I was ready to begin. Labor Day week-end arrived and I ate my final meals as a free eater. When Tuesday rolled around I went cold turkey and followed the SB diet for 13 days. It was excruciating and I did not push the final day of the two-week stage. I had had all I could take.
I didn't give up on dieting, I just realized that the SB life was not for me. On to plan B... I came up with my own system and combined it with common sense and small plates. And I continued to modify it as I went along and learned new information or developed new tastes. I thank the SB system for kicking off my loss and showing a way to be successful, though. It was a great way to start. I also know that I could never have been successful if I'd tried to make myself continue that way. I'd have quit and failed miserably. I did it my way, just like the song...
Over the course of the next year, I lost 135 pounds, coming to a screeching halt at 190 pounds, which I maintained for two more years. And then the weight started creeping back on. First it was 5 pounds... 10 pounds... OMG! 25 pounds! Currently, I weigh 250 pounds, 60 pounds heavier than I should be. And I am disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I had worked so hard to change my life and then what? Argh!
As the weight has come on, I've felt myself slipping away. Before my weight loss, I felt invisible. As I lost, I found myself to be so much more exposed and it was one of the hardest things to adjust to ~ this new visibility. I don't feel so visible any more... which is both a relief and a disappointment. With weight, my shame has returned, along with self-loathing and contempt for my imperfections. All the personal criticism has not been a motivator for re-commitment, however. In fact, it has the opposite effect and serves to make it more difficult to tackle my problems.
This blog is my latest attempt to explore what is happening to me. I want to change. I want to get a better handle on my weight and health. And I want another chance to get it right, this recreation of who I am.
I haven't framed how this journal will work as of yet, but I am going to try a few things and see how it goes. For now it is enough that I've put my toes in the water. What form this story takes is yet to be discovered...
