Pondering possibilities...

As I drove home from Maine today (and as I was kayaking in York), I worked on the problem of my weight and how it is crushing me to regain so much. I've been struggling for over a year now, and the last 6 months have been the worst. I've been going to a therapist since last summer and that hasn't helped matters much, either. What I've learned is this, though: I am not alone in my fears and foibles. What I think of as feelings I alone suffer, are apparently thoughts, ideas, and fears that are common to many (if not most!) people. I've always thought of myself as "different." According to my therapist, I am "normal." I don't know if that is supposed to make it easier to deal with the sadness and depression... it doesn't... but I guess it is interesting to think that other seemingly normal people have similar thoughts as me. Hmm... still more to think about there...

But back to the weight gain... as I was thinking about it today, I've realized how much effort I've put into this. I am constantly thinking about eating (whether "right" or "wrong"). If I am going to devote that much time to something, I might as well work a little harder and find a way to be successful. I am filled with such loathing and disgust when I look in a mirror ~ how am I supposed to feel better about myself when I can't stand what I look like and that I let this happen?! I can't "accept" myself like this; I am not satisfied with how I look or feel. So if that's true, than I HAVE to do something about it!

Going to Chicago is not going to be conducive to beginning a "new" eating plan, but my goal is to begin as soon as I get back. I am going to go back to square one:

• empty the house of all tempting or damaging foods
• prepare foods ahead of time and store in single portions
• severely limit eating out for a while
• take water with me EVERYWHERE
• limit carbs and kick the sugar addiction... then slowly add carbs back in as things feel comfortable
• measure and portion everything ~ start to see and feel what a normal portion is again
• keep a food journal (it was handwritten before, but this record should suffice)
• tell people what I am doing so I can't slide so easily... this is a tough one...
• weigh myself EVERY day

That's all I can think of for now, but I am sure other ideas may surface.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 slices whole wheat toast with peanut butter; milk; banana

Lunch:

Mike's ~ shrimp basket with fries and onion rings; cole slaw

Snack:

mocha coolatta (medium)

strawberries

Dinner:

chips, guacamole and salsa; 1/2 cheeseburger; 1/2 hot dog; 1/2 chicken breast; pasta salad; bean salad

Dessert:

1/2 chocolate chip square; cheesecake square; nut buddies dipped in dark chocolate

Dinner and dessert was at graduation party for the boys...

For a day with so much thinking about eating mindfully, I did an awful lot of mindless eating!

May tomorrow be better...