Overload...

System overload... guilt overload... eating overload...

Today's eating looked like this:

Breakfast:

bran muffin and 12 ounces milk

Lunch:

Fish sandwich with tartar sauce; french fries; cole slaw at Fisherman's Catch with Uncle Fred

Snack:

two cookies and a carrot (yes, a carrot ~ I still felt "hungry" but knew I shouldn't eat anything bad)

Snack on the road home:

Mocha Coolatta at Dunkin Donuts ~ This is getting to be the problem I knew it would become

Dinner:

Corn chips and salsa; corn and black bean empanada; diet coke at Border Cafe on the way home and before the grocery store

So basically I ate fried crap all week-end with almost NO VEGGIES! The more I ate like that, the worse I felt... and the worse I felt, the more I ate. What am I going to do about it? I am going to Maine in a week and a half for a week's vacation. I need to form an eating plan for while I am there and stock up on fruits and veggies that I can eat.

And the depression and loneliness and hopelessness only got worse as the week-end went on. I got some exercise, but not enough. I rode my bike again this morning, but I should have walked in the afternoon. I thought I was going to go kayaking, but then it felt cold and too windy so i didn't. And by then I didn't feel like walking and I didn't want to leave my bike on the car while I walked somewhere and I didn't want to backtrack from York... so i just headed home in all the traffic and got grumpier. NICE. Stupid way to end the day... and the week-end...

May tomorrow be better...

Late again...

But at least I'm here.

I never went back to yesterday and filled in my eating, so here is yesterday's mess:

breakfast:

cinnamon bagel with butter (both halves); milk with ovaltine

Lunch:

fried shrimp; french fries; onion rings; diet coke with lemon at Mike's Clam Shack

Snack:

chocolate truffle at bakery on way to LL Bean (stopped to use the ladies' room)

Snack:

mocha coolatta at Dunkin Donuts on way home from Freeport

Dinner:

small piece of steak; baked beans; 3 cookies

Late night:

ice cream with chocolate sauce

So... no veggies all day... and way too much sugar... and fried food...

Am I trying to kill myself?!

Today I am meeting Viv and Jessica at Mike's, so there will be a repeat performance of fried food. I went to the store this morning and got a bran muffin, but how good is that, really?

So today looks like this:

Breakfast:

bran muffin; banana; 12 ounces milk (no ovaltine today)

More later...

Update:

We went to Mike's and Viv and I split a seafood platter. Then we went kayaking up the York River for 2 hours. We ended the day walking the Fisherman's Walk and the Cliff Path in York. It was a beautiful day ~ practically perfect! On the way home, I got a mocha coolatta at Dunkin Donuts...

And it went down hill from there, believe it or not.

Around 7:30, I decided to have something for "dinner." I chose peanutbutter crackers, but in Maine that means saltines and jif. I ate way too many ~ part of bringing the sleeve of crackers and the jar of peanutbutter in the livingroom with me... I had them with milk. A little while later I had a brownie with ice cream and chocolate sauce... and then a few chips... and finally an orange before I quit for the evening ~ YIKES! This was stress and depression eating. What was I stressed and depressed about? Who knows?

Maybe it was the kayaking ~ I am 50 pounds heavier (at least) than I should be and the added weight makes my boat sit lower in the water. It makes it harder for me to get in and out and to fit properly. Because the boat is low in the water, it is harder to maneuver and when waves crash, they splash over the bow more readily. All of this serves to confirm my shame. It should make me behave better ~ logic would point to that ~ but there is nothing logical about this weight struggle, that's for sure. Ugh!

A day late and a dollar short...

I am late posting... I drove to Maine last night and by the time I got here I was in no mood or shape to think well. I zoned out with the TV, not really watching anything, just keeping me from my thoughts and feelings. I've just realized this in writing this, but that is what I do sometimes ~ try to "LOSE" myself in the television. YUCK. I'll need to think on this and see what I can do about recognising what's happening and try to do something about it. I get so desperate sometimes...

Anyway... yesterday's eating looked like this:

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanutbutter and honey; 12 ounces skim milk

Snack:

grapes and 3(?) chocolate chip cookies in 2/3A

Lunch:

whole wheat pasta with hot chicken sausage, onions and peppers in homemade sauce (leftover from the night before); yogurt with raspberries and 1 TBSP maple syrup

Dinner:

brown bread with butter; tex-mex egg rolls; cashew chicken salad with Viv at the Cheescake Factory

Late night on the drive to Maine:

Mocha Coffee Coolatta (medium)

The coffee drink perked me up for the drive, but depressed me and also kept me from sleeping very well ~ I was still up at 1:30 in the morning. So now I am groggy and cranky... I hope I can pull myself out of this slump, get active and enjoy this day!

quick and dirty...

I am tired, I've been wantonly imperfect today, and if I don't write quickly, I am afraid I'll quit all together and that frightens me. So here goes:

Breakfast:

steel-cut oatmeal with pecans, a splash of milk and a cereal spoon of honey

so far, so good...

Snack:

lots of watermelon and whole wheat bunny crackers with 2/3B

(and the feelings of shame and self-loathing that go along with that kind of eating)

Lunch:

New Yorker sandwich from Savoury Lane, which is corned beef, turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato and russian dressing on multi-grain (because I don't like rye); small bag of chips; small coffee frozen drink with crushed ice (these coffee drinks are my new addiction ~ I don't exactly like them but I can't stop getting them... it is hard to explain)

Late snack:

yogurt with raspberries and 1 TBSP maple syrup; 4 mint candies from YT room

Dinner:

I was tempted to eat out but made myself go home and cook. I had thawed sausages to make sauce, so I did, sauteing them with onions and peppers and then thawing some tomato sauce I'd made fresh last fall. I served it on whole wheat pasta that I counted out and I made a second portion so it would be ready for tomorrow's lunch. I was going to make cupcakes for work, but refrained so I wouldn't overeat. Instead I ate a second yogurt that was left from earlier in the week. It added a touch of sweet and it meant that I wouldn't waste it while I was away in Maine for the week-end...

No exercise...

I've got to keep working at this. I can't save my own life if I keep at this rate...

Hmmm...

So today it was this hard... and tomorrow it will be hard, too. I have to say this so I can get used to the fact that THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD!!! I am going to face constant temptations and I have no "will power." This I know to be true.

So what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

steel-cut oats with 1 teaspoon honey and a little milk

Snack:

1/2 a grapefruit

Lunch:

pasta with meat sauce; broccoli

Dinner:

Cedar Hill Dairy Joy with Viv and Andrew

1/2 a hot dog; 1/2 a cheeseburger; onion rings; coffee frappe; one of Andrew's chicken fingers

Dessert at staff meeting:

one cupcake (test for Michelle's wedding cupcake)

So what was so terrible? I HAD to go to Cedar Hill. I am driven by urges and fried foods is one of them. I have habits that I follow and once the idea is planted in my head, it is VERY HARD to change course. This feels like addiction, a bit. I want to be well, but wishing doesn't make it so.

I was up early enough to walk today but ultimately didn't. I couldn't quite pop out of bed quickly enough and then it would have been a rush, so I chose to skip it. Perhaps I should have pushed through. I didn't find time later, of course, so it was another day without exercise.

May tomorrow be better.

One step forward, two steps back...

Well, not exactly two steps back, but at least a regression. This is going to be harder than last time, I think. I know. And what I wonder is this ~ since I knew it would be harder to do this again... and I knew I was miserable obese and would loathe myself if I let it happen again... WHY DID I LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN??!!!

So today's eating:

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanutbutter and jam; 12 ounces skim milk

Snack:

strawberry smoothies and goldfish with toddlers

Lunch:

steak; broccoli; salad with avocado; 1/2 piece of cake in staff room

Snack:

Mocha coolatta (Greg brought it to me at work)

Dinner:

sprouts sauteed in bacon fat; bolognese (pasta with meat sauce a la Greg). I had a very large serving...

In the evening as I made cupcakes, I licked quite a bit of batter. I am hopeless...

May tomorrow be better...

Oh! But the one good thing is that I got up and exercised this morning, walking the Jones' Field loop. Baby steps...

Details, Details

I am still working out how I want to use this journal. In the past, I have journaled my eating and recorded exercise, mood, trials, etc... as seemed appropriate. As my weight loss plateaued, halted and then began to creep up, it was hard to stick to the journal and I quit. I have tried returning to that tool several times, but each time it felt awkward and didn't last more than a few days. I've never kept a journal on the computer so it is worth trying that now here. If it works, great. If not, I may go back to journaling my eating the old-fashioned way in a paper notebook and save this for other aspects of the growth process. But actually I hope to combine the two and see if success in one area will support grow in another...

So here goes... a new beginning... again...

Breakfast:

steel-cut oatmeal with pecans and a cereal spoon of honey

Snack:

1/2 a grapefruit

Lunch:

Portuguese Kale Soup

3 slices havarti with chive cheese

Dinner:

steak and sauteed onions, broccoli, salad with avocado, a measured zip-loc baggie of blue corn chips while I cooked

Snack:

yogurt smoothie with raspberries and 1+ tablespoon maple syrup

It was a stressful day and when I left work I really, really wanted to head to Cedar Hill for a frappe and onion rings... but I restrained myself and delayed it for later. I went to Viv's for a visit and stayed until it was too late to go to C.H. for dinner. I thought about getting pizza, thinking that I could always start eating better tomorrow. But I have come to see that that is part of my problem. I am always thinking that I can start doing the right thing "tomorrow." Only tomorrow never comes. So I took another baby step and tried to make today tomorrow, at least as best I could. I didn't totally make the best decisions, but I did better than most days and I tried. For now, that will have to be enough. I didn't eat pizza. I didn't go to Cedar Hill. I came home from my meeting instead of driving for ice cream and I had a smoothie instead. And it was delicious.

Today was a start, but I didn't get in any exercise, even though I had the time this afternoon, if I chose to. I need to re-build my commitment to daily exercise, too, but for now it was an important step to begin to get my eating under control. Baby steps...

Where to begin?

Now that I've jumped into this, it is hard to know where to begin...

I guess I'll start in the middle and see where it gets me ~ no guarantees that I won't go back later and fill in more of my past.

In September of 2005, I embarked on a journey to change the course of my life. At the time, I weighed 326 pounds, down from my usual 335, but I often dropped a few pounds each summer because of increased activity levels. I had recently had a physical and my doctor was strongly encouraging blood pressure medication. This was too much for me to think about. The idea of being dependent on a pill for something I had done to myself was intolerable. I felt ashamed and I felt like I needed to be more in charge of my destiny. Stubbornness was my catalyst, I guess you could say. I was NOT going to be controlled by a pill!

I thought all summer and planned how I would start. I knew my limitations ~ it's not like I hadn't tried to lose weight before... For me, it was critical to remove all temptation from my environment, so the first step was to remove all potentially dangerous food from my home. Over the final week-end, I cleaned out the fridge, the pantry, the cabinets. Opened packages were tossed in the trash. Anything new and unopened was taken to the local food pantry. Once things were cleared out, I went shopping and stocked all kinds of appropriate food. I had read the South Beach Diet in anticipation and I armed myself with choices for phase one. I was ready to begin. Labor Day week-end arrived and I ate my final meals as a free eater. When Tuesday rolled around I went cold turkey and followed the SB diet for 13 days. It was excruciating and I did not push the final day of the two-week stage. I had had all I could take.

I didn't give up on dieting, I just realized that the SB life was not for me. On to plan B... I came up with my own system and combined it with common sense and small plates. And I continued to modify it as I went along and learned new information or developed new tastes. I thank the SB system for kicking off my loss and showing a way to be successful, though. It was a great way to start. I also know that I could never have been successful if I'd tried to make myself continue that way. I'd have quit and failed miserably. I did it my way, just like the song...

Over the course of the next year, I lost 135 pounds, coming to a screeching halt at 190 pounds, which I maintained for two more years. And then the weight started creeping back on. First it was 5 pounds... 10 pounds... OMG! 25 pounds! Currently, I weigh 250 pounds, 60 pounds heavier than I should be. And I am disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I had worked so hard to change my life and then what? Argh!

As the weight has come on, I've felt myself slipping away. Before my weight loss, I felt invisible. As I lost, I found myself to be so much more exposed and it was one of the hardest things to adjust to ~ this new visibility. I don't feel so visible any more... which is both a relief and a disappointment. With weight, my shame has returned, along with self-loathing and contempt for my imperfections. All the personal criticism has not been a motivator for re-commitment, however. In fact, it has the opposite effect and serves to make it more difficult to tackle my problems.

This blog is my latest attempt to explore what is happening to me. I want to change. I want to get a better handle on my weight and health. And I want another chance to get it right, this recreation of who I am.

I haven't framed how this journal will work as of yet, but I am going to try a few things and see how it goes. For now it is enough that I've put my toes in the water. What form this story takes is yet to be discovered...

What am I doing here?

I am trying to be a warrior for a cause... and the cause is me. Will that be enough to blog about? We'll see...