Here it is...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

large bran muffin; milk; banana

Lunch:

shrimp; scallops; fries; onion rings; cole slaw

Snack: mocha coolatta on ride home

Dinner:

Salad from salad bar at Whole Foods

Goal for this week: make some plans, do some preparing and keep eating in check!

May tomorrow be better...

Doubts...

I always have my doubts...

Will I be able to be successful at weight loss? Do I deserve it? Am I making progress or fooling myself? When I say I am the same person no matter my size, do I even believe it for a second?!

I sat there this evening eating a string of things I shouldn't, including chips that I didn't like yet couldn't stop eating. I torture myself with feelings of desire for food that I often don't enjoy. How sick is that? Really---how sick does a person have to be to live like this? Will I find redemption? Can I live with not finding it? And what kind of life is it without it?

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

mocha coolatta---most of it; whole wheat bagel with egg, cheese, and sausage (I asked for no cheese but they put it on anyway)... I ate about 1/2

I was in a hurry to get to Oxbow so I ate junk for breakfast ~ YUCK!

Lunch:

Mike's at 2:00 ~ Yikes! scallops, shrimp, fries, onion rings

Snack:

2 cookies

Dinner:

small piece of steak; beans; summer slaw

Dessert:

ice cream, followed by a bran muffin, followed by 2 kinds of chips that I didn't like or enjoy but felt compelled to eat. When I eat like that I feel the most ashamed of who I am.

May tomorrow be better...

How can it be better?

PLAN!

THINK!

PREPARE!

DEVELOP HABITS!

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!

TRY NEW AND INTERESTING FOODS!

Get going before it's too late...

almost too tired...

I almost went to sleep without recording, but I am forcing myself so I don't abandon this fledgling habit.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 scrambled egg; tomato and avocado slices; milk

Snacks while working too hard at work:

peanutbutter granola bars (2)

blueberry muffin

yogurt with raspberries and honey

Dinner:

2 sliders; sweet potato fries; 1/2 salad (luau); 1/2 Chris' Outrageous Chocolate Cake

May tomorrow be better... or at least not worse...

I am going to be very busy and on the run, which doesn't bode well for smart eating, but I'll try to be conscious and a little conscientious when I can.

Struggling to "think"...

Today I kept working at thinking about eating... as in "I want to eat, but I should probably consider if it's a good idea or not." I kept asking myself if I really needed to eat or if I could wait until the next appropriate meal... and I almost did a bang-up job. I am making progress, even if I still have a ways to go...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

two blueberry muffins; milk

Lunch:

kale soup; yogurt with raspberries and honey

Late snack at Viv's as I waited for her (one of my "not-so-good" moments):

leftover Chinese lo mein noodles

Dinner:

two rolls dipped in olive oil (another not-so-good moment); 1/2 a salad; 1/2 a pasta dish with Viv

Sometimes I was able to make good choices and a few times I failed to make the best choice. I need to keep thinking so that eventually the eating thing won't feel so hard. Baby steps...

And may tomorrow be better...

Too long...

Fear is a funny thing to deal with. It's like a macabre dance. Am I ill? Am I making things worse? Am I gaining weight? Fear of these thoughts causes a sense of denial. On the one hand, the denial helps me tolerate the fears that threaten to overwhelm me, meaning I carry on. On the other hand, I tend to sabotage myself in denial---eating horribly and denying that it has any effect. I avoid the scale, avoid mirrors, avoid people. And then I eventually come close to the surface again, as I have today, and start to gain some perspective on my fears. I try to manage again and I try to face reality.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with snowfrisk cheese and honey; milk

Lunch:

kale soup; yogurt with honey and raspberries

Dinner:

corn bread with butter; BLT with avocado; sweet potato fries at Concord Market & Cafe

Dessert:

nutty bites from Trader Joe's while I made muffins

EXERCISE:

One and a half hour walk at Punkatasset

Weight (which I finally dared to take this morning): 255

Goal: between 175 and 190

So I didn't "shine" today, but I faced how I lived, recorded it, and will hopefully gain some strength from that effort.

And may tomorrow be better...

triggers...

I wasn't having a good day today and I made it worse by letting my eating go awry...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb&honey; milk

Snack:

peach

Snack:

blueberries in YT's

Snack:

crackers and hummos in 2/3's

Snack:

cucumber in staff room

Lunch:

pasta with sauce from 2/3's luncheon; kale soup; tomato sliced

Snack:

mocha coolatta

Dinner:

peach; 3 slices pizza with Donna and boys

Dessert:

frozen yogurt on waffle cone at Kimball's

When I see that list of snacks from the morning, I cringe. I just have to eat when I see food. How can I break that habit?! OMG!

May tomorrow be better...

Impulses...

Today was all over the board, with some "wins" and a loss or two...

So...what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb&honey; milk

Snack:

2 peaches (I started to eat a cupcake but I spit it out and threw the rest away). That was a close one!

Lunch:

kale soup; cucumber sliced and salted. I know I need to cut down on salt and I will work on that, but today was not that day...

Snack:

peach

Dinner:

2 pieces bread dipped in oil, cheese and hot pepper; lobster roll; hand-made chips; cranberry and seltzer with lime at Not Your Average Joe's with Andrew. I should've gotten the Cobb salad like I'd planned. The lobster roll was good but not as healthy a choice as the salad, especially after two hunks of bread! But OMG! It's fantastic bread!

No exercise because I went home to clean for company...

May tomorrow be better...

Fasting

Fasting sucks! I had to wait until 2:30 to eat today and by then I was pretty crabby. I nearly ran over the fool who paused in the road in front of me---to ask directions through a detour (understandable, but I was cranky none the less!). Don't get in my way when I am hungry!

I hope to have some answers from my doctor soon. Is this weight gain all me or is something else going on here? I don't know which answer would be worse.... okay... I hope it is me, so I can control it and do something about it, even if that's harder than taking a pill. I REALLY don't want something wrong just so I don't have to feel so guilty. How shallow would that be?!

So... what did I eat today?

Late lunch:

peach, while my meal heated in the microwave; steak and onions; brussels sprouts; boiled potatoes with butter

Snack:

mocha coolatta on way to woods ~ OMG! I am out of control with those...

Dinner:

kale soup; peach; yogurt with syrup; dry oat squares

I was hungry at dinner and kept trying for healthy things that wouldn't be too bad. Fasting just makes you more hungry later... it's almost like I added breakfast to dinner, if you look at it that way...

Exercise:

an hour and a half in Punkatasset--- I love those damn woods!

May tomorrow be better...

Working and not working...

Some of my ideas and thinking are working for me... helping me work toward my goal of weight loss and improved health. And some things are not working yet.

Today, for example, I thought about not going to DD because it really isn't good for me and I don't know as I love it all that much anyway. It's a habit and with me it's hard to tell if I crave something or just crave the habit... something to think about... Anyway, I ended up going on my way for a walk because I'd had a light lunch and no snack in the afternoon and I didn't want to be distracted by urges to eat (note I don't say hunger, as I really don't think I know what that is, for sure). So I got my coolatta and went for my walk... hmm...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

zucchini and onions saute; 2 scrambled eggs in butter

Snack:

cupcake in YT's before heading out with small group

Lunch:

kale soup (no more cupcakes, which were in the staff room ~ moment that "worked" for me)

Snack:

mocha coolatta with milk

Dinner:

fresh tomato from the garden; steak and onions in olive oil; mashed potato with butter; brussels sprouts

Nothing after dinner, though I thought about going out for an ice cream... and I thought about having yogurt and/or a peach... but in the end I decided I'd eaten enough for one day. Also, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't know whether she'll want to do a blood test or not so I figure I can't eat before 1:00... that should be interesting...

I am nervous about having a physical tomorrow. What does the weight gain mean? Am I sick and don't know it? What about the pain and weakness? And the depression? Oy! But at least it will be some answers, which might feel better than the growing worries in my mind.

May tomorrow be better...

Disappointments

Life is full of disappointments and I am used to them but I still don't like them or know quite what to do when one happens, big or little. Usually I just re-configure my thinking after the fact and adjust by adjusting my expectations. When it is food that disappoints, I hope I live and learn, but I don't always...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

zucchini and onion saute; 2 scrambled eggs in butter

Snack:

coolatta on way to Amherst... disappointment #1. I am disappointed that I got one and actually I am disappointed in the coolatta, too. I don't know if I actually like them or if it's their forbidden nature that makes me HAVE to have one... hmm... I need to think about that one...

Late lunch:

ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat with lettuce and tomato and mustard; small bag of potato chips; frosted sugar cookie from Atkin's Farm

I started to set it up to eat in the car as I drove home and then I decided to wait until I reached the pull-off with the view on 202. Me... I waited. This alone is amazing... And I enjoyed my little picnic, too. I don't know what made me get ham and cheese, but it was good... and their own fresh bread, too. Yum! I don't feel bad about the cookie. It was delicious and it was just one.

Dinner:

mug of kale soup; peach

Dessert:

Monday Sunday at farm in Carlisle. It was disappointing. The ice cream was lousy and the girl didn't make it well (fudge at the bottom not draped on the inside walls of cone). And I ate it all anyway, even though I didn't really enjoy it. Eating when I am not enjoying it is stupid and I always regret it. How do I stop this habit? Why can't I throw something away that doesn't please me? OY!

Exercise:

2 miles at NARA before the ice cream fiasco...

May tomorrow be better...

Let's Make a Deal...

I played a little game with myself today, trying to be "good" while I was working at cleaning (not a favorite pastime...). I woke up thinking about the leftovers from the Thai restaurant. I ate them for breakfast and didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It was a big breakfast and I didn't want that to set the tone for the day... I worked hard cleaning most of the morning ~ trying to both sort and clean at the same time. I am not nearly done, but I've made a good dent and I hope to finish it up tomorrow morning before going on an outing in the afternoon (I hope!). Maybe if I de-clutter my life a bit in the physical realm I can de-clutter my thinking as well...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

leftover butternut curry on brown rice ~ a large serving!

Lunch:

raspberry yogurt smoothie with honey; oat squares

Dinner:

BBQ ranch chicken salad; diet coke with lemon at CF on way back from airport

Dessert:

kiddie black raspberry chocolate chip frozen yogurt at Kimball's in Carlisle

I made a "deal" with myself for the trip to Kimball's. I wanted to go on my way home from CF and the grocery store but I knew I wasn't really that hungry. So I went home, put the groceries away and got my bike. I drove to Heald Rd. in north Acton, parked, and rode my bike to Kimball's. It was just about 7pm, so I knew I was cutting it close, as it gets dark earlier and earlier... I made it back before actual dark, but it was pretty dusk and it probably wasn't all that safe. It was worth it, though. I got my exercise and my treat. Exercise is key and I am out of the habit. I need to make more deals like this and build new exercise habits.

Snack:

I made soup when I got home, so it would be ready for next week's lunches (another habit I need to return to!!!). It made six mugs and a bowl for me to taste-test. Portuguese kale soup... and a good batch, too!

May tomorrow be better...

Coolatta addiction...

I keep trying to break the coolatta addiction... there is NOTHING redeeming in a coolatta... nothing. And I really, really need to stop drinking them. Today I avoided DD twice and then on the third trip "had" to get one. It was good and refreshing and "stress-relieving" but still not good for me. High enough in calories and no nutritional value... the only "positive" about drinking them is that they've helped me get over my Cedar Hill DJ addiction, which was much more expensive and even more empty calories, what with a frappe AND onion rings. Now if I could only wean myself off the coolatta. I like water, I really do, and sometimes getting nice cold bottle of water at a convenience store feels like a "treat." Okay, I'm sick, I know, but it's true. I feel refreshed and treated when I guzzle a cold bottle of poland springs. Hmm...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin w/pb&j; milk

Snack:

3 oatmeal cookies and a plum (the plum was planned, the cookies were in the staff room...)

Lunch:

2 meatballs; 3 small slices of pizza; some fried chicken leftovers

Snack:

the infamous coolatta (small, with milk)

Dinner:

fresh rolls; chicken satay; butternut curry on brown rice

Snack:

cucumber and tomato slices

The last snack was to ward off eating "junk." I try not to eat in the evening and I am usually pretty successful, but sometimes the cravings win. I nibble cereal or try for something healthy, if I can. Today it was the cucumber and tomato... and it really did the trick. I am so startled sometimes by my mind or body's response to good choices, while other times I make such bad choices. Hmm...

May tomorrow be better...

More quick facts...

Today was a potluck at school... not good for me...

It started with breakfast, which I "ate" as I stood at the counter making the sandwiches for the luncheon.

Breakfast:

1/2 an egg salad roll; 1/4 hummus on pita with cucumber and pepper; yogurt smoothie with raspberries and syrup

Snack:

plum... and a few chips as I set up the luncheon...

Lunch:

egg salad (1/2); 2 pieces of chicken; corn salad (2); Seetha's Indian appetizer (1); 4 oatmeal cookies; many shrimps; lemonade; many potato chips

Snack:

oatmeal cookie

Dinner:

chicken; broccoli; tomato slices

Snack:

dry oat squares

May tomorrow be better (and not a potluck!!!)

Just the facts, man...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin w/pb&j; milk

Snack:

blueberries; yogurt with maple syrup

Lunch:

pea soup; carrot sticks and cucumber slices; plum

Dinner:

cashew chicken salad; two taquitos; 1 slider; 2 slices bread with butter at CF with Viv and Drew

Between lunch and dinner I really, really wanted to go to DD for a coolatta, but I resisted and took a walk (a short one because of the extreme heat!) at Great Hill instead. Baby steps...

May tomorrow be better...

How easily I'm swayed...

Today started out with a fairly good plan. But there was a cake in the staff room and that did it...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin w/pb&j; milk

Snack:

small-ish piece of chocolate cake; the banana I'd planned to eat for my snack

Lunch:

pea soup; carrot sticks and cucumber slices; plum; small piece of chocolate cake

Snack:

small coolatta with milk on way back from post office; blueberries that I'd planned for snack

At least I skipped the yogurt that I'd planned... I wasn't that hungry and knew I'd have dessert at dinner so I didn't fill up in the late afternoon...

Dinner:

pork with mushrooms, onions and carrots; green beans; coos-coos

Dessert: butterfinger ice cream and 2 cookies---I didn't need 2 cookies, but I didn't stop until I moved the container away... but at least I moved the container away eventually... baby steps...

May tomorrow be better...

Home again...

I'm back from vacation and working on working on my future. It is a struggle...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb&j; milk

Snack:

a small piece of watermelon and 1/4 of a graham cracker in 2/3B

Lunch:

banana (that was supposed to be my morning snack); blueberries; pea soup

Snack:

small mocha coolatta with milk

Dinner:

3 small boiled potatoes; lots of broccoli; pan-fried cod

That dinner was so delicious. I really have to cook more often, as its both healthier and more satisfying. The potatoes were new potatoes from Maine and each bite was heaven. Yes, really! And the cod was such a treat.

So the coolatta was the only real bad choice of the day. I need to break that nasty habit! But I also feel like I made a step in the right direction today so I am not going to dwell too much on this one big slip.

And may tomorrow be better...