Bob and weave...

I was dancing today... dancing with the devil or my demons or whatever you want to call it. I wanted to do so many "bad" things and I had to work hard to avoid some of them. Sometimes I won and sometimes I chose the wrong path, so to speak. I wanted frozen coffee, for example. I drove past or by or near several spots, but made myself go to the gas station for a bottle of water instead, with the thought that I might get coffee later... or tomorrow... or how long could I go before having a coffee? The point is, having a coffee was an obsession that didn't die with each minute success. In fact, later on in the evening I still wanted a coffee, so didn't stop at Starbuck's to get Michelle her coffee beans because I'd be tempted. I saved it for tomorrow, which is not the same thing as denying myself, but is more like delaying gratification (so I guess for me that could be counted as a little progress...).

I made myself get water, as I said, and then I went to NARA and walked two miles, even though I didn't really feel like it. When will I stop being tired?! Anyway... I did my walk and then I took myself to The Cheesecake Factory for diner. I've been wanting it since Chicago, and tonight I caved. And I got frozen yogurt on the way home... but I walked today and I didn't get coffee, so it wasn't a total failure. Baby steps...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

bran muffin from Sweet Bites (considered going to the bagel store, then considered DD so I could get yucky bagel, but a coffee... and settled on muffin at Sweet Bites). Life is one big argument with myself!

Snack:

1/4 cantaloupe (planned) a smoothie with the toddlers (unplanned)

Lunch:

hard-boiled egg; salad, cheese with kashi crackers (a few too many)

Dinner:

BBQ ranch chicken salad (lunch portion!); diet coke with lemon (no bread... my deal is if they ask I say no; if they bring it to the table automatically, I eat some brown!)

Dessert:

"kiddie" black raspberry chocolate chip frozen yogurt in a waffle cone. I ask them to make it on the small side because even their kiddie is huge, so this one was pretty reasonable... but still, its a lot, especially after CF...

254...

I made myself weigh in this morning, even though it hurts to do this, so I guess that's a success to count, too. I can't deny numbers and if I can make myself weigh in, maybe I can keep myself from adding more and more weight to my body. I have to turn this around somehow... Baby steps...

And may tomorrow be better...

egg shells

I am walking on egg shells... trying to be the person who makes the right choice, minute by minute, day by day. Right now, its some minutes are good, while others are failures. It is disheartening, to say the least. But I am in the battle and I am trying... and I will keep trying, so all is not lost yet.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

oat squares in milk; banana

Snack:

1/4 cantaloupe

Lunch:

hard-boiled egg; large salad with balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing

Snack:

(unplanned) 2/3's of a chocolate bar because it was there...

Snack:

yogurt with raspberries and 1 TBSP syrup (my planed snack!)

Dinner:

steak tips; chicken fingers; broccoli; a few of Andrew's fries at 99

Dessert:

mocha almond ice cream cone at Erikson's ~ I ordered a "kiddie" but it was much bigger than that...

I never exercised ~ it was too late by the time we got home from dinner (I could've walked in the dusk to dark, but i chose not to...)

So I am trying and making some good choices, while failing other moments...

Battle on, and may tomorrow be better...

Trying not to freak...

I weighed myself this morning... 256... my heart hurts to see that number and I don't know what to say or do... other than really make myself weigh myself every single morning... that's one thing I can do... I know part of it is because I have fluid retention in my legs ever since Chicago. They are swollen, especially my left, so that could easily be six pounds. But OMG! What happened over the past year and WHY on earth did I let it get this bad?!

So... I made myself walk at NARA this afternoon, despite the heat and humidity. I did two miles and quit before I got too uncomfortable. Goal: Some kind of exercise every day...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

peanutbutter and blackberry jam sandwich; milk

Snack:

banana

Lunch:

small bag chips; New Yorker on multigrain bread (should've eaten only half) Also, lunch was too late (2:00) so I was too hungry already... big mistake

Dinner:

yogurt smoothie; large salad; cheese and crackers; chocolate bits (there was my error... I didn't need to eat them and didn't even enjoy them. It was an impulse eat and a because they were there eat. I threw the rest of the bag away to prevent any more snacking... baby steps...)

May tomorrow be better...

I'm back... and not...

I'm back from Chicago, but not back on track, but trying. It was a tough several days and eating was planned and organized for me, for the most part so I couldn't do too well or too poorly, actually. We ate breakfasts in the cafeteria, snacked and lunched at the conference, and went out to dinner on our own, usually with Joan, which was great. She is a terrific tour guide to the city!

So today I am home and trying to rally to the cause. I was pretty depressed today but I made myself go out and get some exercise. I did the bike trail from Groton to Pepperell, which was just about an hour of riding time (with a stop for ice cream in Pepperell).

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

dry oat squares (no milk)

nutty bites

Lunch:

1/2 onion ring; 1/2 clam strips at Johnson's on the way to trail

Snack:

kiddie sized frozen yogurt, mint cups... not very good, either...

Dinner:

fresh rolls; spicy thai noodles with chicken ~ delicious!

Snack:

last of the nutty bites ~ now that they are gone, maybe I can get on track! The trick is not to buy that kind of thing!

May tomorrow be better...

In haste...

I am on my way to bed, but here is the day...

Breakfast:

pumpkin muffin; milk

Snack:

pumpkin muffin

Snack:

strawberries

Dinner:

hamburger with bun; onion rings; coffee frappe at Cedar Hill (on my way back from seeing a friend)

Tomorrow I am off to Chicago on business and won't be home until Saturday. No computer means no blog, but I will try to journal my choices and experience, so I don't lose ground (too much ground, anyway...)

Pondering possibilities...

As I drove home from Maine today (and as I was kayaking in York), I worked on the problem of my weight and how it is crushing me to regain so much. I've been struggling for over a year now, and the last 6 months have been the worst. I've been going to a therapist since last summer and that hasn't helped matters much, either. What I've learned is this, though: I am not alone in my fears and foibles. What I think of as feelings I alone suffer, are apparently thoughts, ideas, and fears that are common to many (if not most!) people. I've always thought of myself as "different." According to my therapist, I am "normal." I don't know if that is supposed to make it easier to deal with the sadness and depression... it doesn't... but I guess it is interesting to think that other seemingly normal people have similar thoughts as me. Hmm... still more to think about there...

But back to the weight gain... as I was thinking about it today, I've realized how much effort I've put into this. I am constantly thinking about eating (whether "right" or "wrong"). If I am going to devote that much time to something, I might as well work a little harder and find a way to be successful. I am filled with such loathing and disgust when I look in a mirror ~ how am I supposed to feel better about myself when I can't stand what I look like and that I let this happen?! I can't "accept" myself like this; I am not satisfied with how I look or feel. So if that's true, than I HAVE to do something about it!

Going to Chicago is not going to be conducive to beginning a "new" eating plan, but my goal is to begin as soon as I get back. I am going to go back to square one:

• empty the house of all tempting or damaging foods
• prepare foods ahead of time and store in single portions
• severely limit eating out for a while
• take water with me EVERYWHERE
• limit carbs and kick the sugar addiction... then slowly add carbs back in as things feel comfortable
• measure and portion everything ~ start to see and feel what a normal portion is again
• keep a food journal (it was handwritten before, but this record should suffice)
• tell people what I am doing so I can't slide so easily... this is a tough one...
• weigh myself EVERY day

That's all I can think of for now, but I am sure other ideas may surface.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 slices whole wheat toast with peanut butter; milk; banana

Lunch:

Mike's ~ shrimp basket with fries and onion rings; cole slaw

Snack:

mocha coolatta (medium)

strawberries

Dinner:

chips, guacamole and salsa; 1/2 cheeseburger; 1/2 hot dog; 1/2 chicken breast; pasta salad; bean salad

Dessert:

1/2 chocolate chip square; cheesecake square; nut buddies dipped in dark chocolate

Dinner and dessert was at graduation party for the boys...

For a day with so much thinking about eating mindfully, I did an awful lot of mindless eating!

May tomorrow be better...

Yesterday's battles...

Yesterday I fought with demons... I won some... I lost some...

Mostly, the wars were fought over what to eat and where to eat. I have a compulsion to eat out and especially when I am in Maine. Yesterday I struggled to eat at home and minimize damage. Here's how it played out...

So... what did I eat yesterday?

Breakfast was a split meal...

a banana at home... and then a bran muffin in the car after getting my hair cut

Lunch:

a huge battle... I rode my bike to the beach with $$ in my pocket so I could get lunch. I went past the usual spot and settled on the beach for an hour. Then it was really time to eat. As I headed along the road, I considered all my options... and ultimately forced myself home (still thinking I might get in the car and drive to a different restaurant...). When I got home, I ate with Uncle Fred and we enjoyed some conversation and exploring old actors on the internet. It was worth the battle.

The food: leftover steak and onions; two kinds of chips (that he was having); strawberries

Snack:

later in the afternoon, though, I "had" to go to DD for a coolatta. I hate the sense of "have to."

Dinner:

white pasta with homemade tomato sauce with sausage; salad

Evening:

dry cereal ~ the rest of the box; yogurt with raspberries and maple syrup

So what was the damage? Too many chips... (always a problem!), the medium coolatta, and too much cereal, just to finish the box

May today be better...

Maybe I should get some armor... and a sword...

Thursday, ticked off...

And by ticked off, I mean it's a day on the list of vacation days that I can "tick off." Done. Finis. I worry that sometimes I go through life trying to "get through" days... use up time. So Thursday is finished... soon I will go back home. I am not happy or sad about that. It is what it is... but I worry that time seems to be something to get through...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 slice wheat bread with peanut butter; milk

Snack in car:

bran muffin

Snack after school tour:

double chocolate truffle at European Bakery

Snack in Wells:

small mocha coolatta; bag of sun chips

Snack at home:

strawberries

Dinner:

fried haddock with french fries and onion rings; cole slaw

evening snack:

yogurt with raspberries and maple syrup; oat squares out of the box (which means I eat too many!)

So... skipping lunch just meant I continually ate... Not good...

May tomorrow be better...

Vacation continues...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

bran muffin; milk; banana

Lunch:

1/2 meat loaf sandwich; pieces of meat loaf; cucumber and celery slices; small twist ice cream for dessert

Snack:

sun chips on way home from beach; strawberries at home

Dinner:

hot dog sliced with ketchup and mustard; tons of asparagus; brown beans; leftover potato salad

Evening:

bran muffin ~ why did I eat this? I really wasn't hungry but I felt compelled to eat...

Exercise:

2 bike rides to Wells Harbor

Vacations don't seem to suit me...

I am floundering here in Maine. I am sad and looking for ways to kill time ~ that does not a vacation make... I went to Portland today with the idea of visiting the art museum but I never made it in. I walked the side walks, went into a used bookstore, where I browsed for an hour or so, and then headed out of town. I headed home the long way down route 1 and regretted it but didn't change course (stubborn!).

I hope I do something fun tomorrow and actually enjoy it...

So what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 slices whole wheat bread with peanut butter; banana; milk

Snack:

small coffee coolatta (I have to reconsider this terrible habit!)

Late lunch:

bowl of clam chowder; individual order of onion rings at Maine Diner

Dinner:

meat loaf; mashed potatoes; green beans

Snack:

oat squares cereal

Dessert:

ice cream with 2 cookies smashed in it

What am I going to do? I am miserable and I am undoing all the work and effort I've put into getting back on track... Argh!!!

It is what it is...

I had trouble with the internet last night... I fixed it this morning, so here is a flashback...

So... what did I eat yesterday?

It was the first day of my vacation and I was doing errands, helping a friend and then packing for Maine, so on impulse I took myself to breakfast at Julie's.

Breakfast:

two scrambled eggs, wheat toast, sausage, homefries. It was delicious, well-prepared and moderately portioned (for a big breakfast!).

Snack:

baggie of corn chips

Snack:

medium coffee coolatta on the way to Maine

Dinner:

fried shrimp, scallops, fries and rings; cole slaw

Snack:

bran muffin in evening (not exactly from hunger, but because I knew it was there)

Skipping lunch was not a good idea. It meant I was hungry all late afternoon and evening, even after I'd eaten massive seafood. I still felt "hungry," even though I couldn't possibly be... hence the bran muffin, I suspect...

I'm up here all week. I hope I do okay...

I weighed myself yesterday, too. Down two pounds. Can I sustain that loss? Lose more this week? Oh, how I want this, but not the pain and angst...

Not good...

I am seeing a pattern... I start off trying to do the right thing, like today. I get tired, stressed, and perhaps have an unresolved issue or two. By late afternoon, cravings start and once I cave I tend to keep going down that wrong road. I made attempts to redirect myself today and had some success, but not nearly enough. And I go on vacation tomorrow and I worry about what I'll eat in Maine. Can I save myself? That's what this mission is supposed to be about, after all. Can I save myself from myself? Hmm...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanut butter and honey; milk

Snack:

one slice white toast with "butter" and jam in 2/3A (not healthy by any means)

Lunch:

salad with egg, avocado, and cheese; 1/2 cupcake (frosting half)

Snack:

here's where it really starts to tank... and this was over the course of an hour...

kiddie chocolate pb frozen yogurt at Erikson's; baggie of corn chips when I got home; some of Donna's potato chips; small container of diced peaches; some cashews

Dinner:

chicken fingers; sweet potato fries; 1/2 corn bread with a little butter with Betsey before the concert (I didn't eat all the chicken or all the fries--- which is something for me)

a hershey's kiss at the concert along with a little lemonade

Not a proud moment...

May tomorrow be better...

Knowing, but too tired to work against it...

I did a pretty good job today, despite the temptations and stresses. Again, though, come evening, I suddenly lost it (and by "it" I mean the ability to reign in my impulses). And I am very tired tonight so I'm just going to record and not editorialize.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

Oat squares in milk (I was running late...)

Snack:

chocolate cupcake with 2/3B

Lunch:

salad with cheese, egg, and avocado...oh, and beets YUM!

...and a half a chocolate cupcake (the frosting half...)

Snack:

NOT another cupcake, thankfully, but it was hard work staying away. Instead I ate cherries and decided I really didn't need the yogurt that I'd planned. And then a few almonds at my desk as I cleaned up

Dinner:

I was driving around doing errands and decided to get dinner to go (no dinner was planned). I got a meatball sub that came with a small bag of chips, which I ate in the car on the way home.

I ate the sub and another baggie of corn chips... and then an ice cream sandwich from Donna's freezer when I brought in the mail. Too bad... I was doing pretty well... and it wasn't worth it.

May tomorrow be better...

Cupcake crazy

Today was a pretty good day... until the end, of course, when I went crazy and ate cupcake batter, potato chips and then a cupcake with frosting. I forgot to drink water, which I truly believe contributes to my bingeing crazes, which I only remember after each binge... I've got to work on that...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 blueberry muffin (1!)

a small raspberry yogurt smoothie

Snack:

cherries

Lunch:

large salad with beets, avocado, and a hard-boiled egg

Snack:

grande mocha frappachino with skim milk from Starbuck's; small baggie of portioned corn chips

Then, as I was making cupcakes... I ate chips while I warmed up the oven... I ate batter in between batches of cupcakes... I tasted frosting as made it... and I ate one finished cupcake when I completed the job (even though I was definitely NOT hungry and didn't really want it).

Dinner:

whole wheat pasta (measured portion, of course!); veggie bolognese sauce; asparagus

So, except for the craze in the middle, I really did plan and eat decent meals and snacks. I didn't need to go to Starbuck's, but I went to the grocery store for confectioner's sugar and that led me to Starbuck's. I should have had water when I got home... and I should have had water with dinner (I don't know why I skipped that. I ALWAYS drink water with dinner). I got off track as I tried to multi-task and make cupcakes and dinner at the same time, while also watching a movie on TV ~ too many distractions for someone with my lack of attention...

Lesson learned: PAY MORE ATTENTION TO WATER!!!

Also... DON'T OVER DO! And don't tempt myself with things that I can't (and know I can't) resist, like cupcakes and potato chips

Oops! And I never exercised today, either. And I meant to...

May tomorrow be better...

Baby steps...

Yesterday was almost a good day and was definitely not a bad day... Today was a pretty good day, as days go, and I'll take it as a win, for now. I wrestled some demons and resisted some temptations. I refrained from impulse eating and kept myself from ice cream and a coolatta in the evening (though it would have been easy to grant one or both... as i was out and about...).

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanutbutter and honey: 12 ounces milk

Snack:

strawberry smoothie with Mixed Toddlers (made with ice cream, so not too healthy)

Lunch:

salad with cheese, avocado, and a hard-boiled egg ~ delicious!

Snack:

cherries; 6 ounces greek yogurt, plain Hm... I have to work on liking this...

Dinner:

whole wheat pasta with veggie bolognese; asparagus (lots!)

Snack:

blueberry muffin after making a batch for work

Not horrible... and I practiced restraint. Practice, practice and maybe it will come more easily with time...

So close...

I was so close to a really good day yesterday... so close. I planned, I thought, I resisted successfully. I exercised. I was on my way. And then I ate cake. Cake I don't even like. SUCK!

So... what did I eat yesterday?

Breakfast:

2 blueberry muffins; milk

Snack:

pineapple

Lunch:

leftover BBQ pork ~ the last of the Texas Roadhouse; mashed turnip

Snack while making dinner:

pickles; small baggie of portioned corn chips

Dinner:

whole wheat pasta with homemade veggie sauce ~ kind of like a bolognese (carrots, celery, onion, cauliflower in tomato sauce frozen from last summer's canning); peas

I was full. Satisfied. Done.

And then I had cake for Tom's birthday (with a dollop of ice cream). Why? I am not sure. I didn't want to disappoint them or feel mean, maybe. But I didn't enjoy it or feel anything other than disappointed in myself. I can't blame others for my failure, but the fact is i was doing fine on my own and their intrusion threw me off track. But I can't live my life outside of the people in my life either. So I need to work this out. Hmm...

Thinking...

I am not there yet, but I did a lot of thinking today... and practicing being reasonable, at least a little. I had troubles with my emotions and I had to concentrate to stay "together," but the day is over and I am still here, so I'll take it. I never got back to work so there will be a big mess waiting for me tomorrow, but that's okay...

So, what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 blueberry muffins; 12 ounces skim milk

Lunch:

leftover pulled pork; sweet potato (about 1/3); mashed turnip that I made fresh

Snack:

small ice cream that wasn't all that small at ice cream stand in Chelmsford center

Dinner:

bread and butter; dinner salad with italian dressing; lobster and shrimp fra diavlo at The Chateau

Exercise:

Bike trail from Westford line to Chelmsford center and back. I got caught in a bit of a rumble with thunder and some rain but it was fine and worth the effort. My knees are really sore tonight and it is hard to do stairs or get out of a chair, but if I don't exercise I'll never manage this weight loss effort. Hmm...

The day was a lot of thinking, as I said. I wanted to eat all day and I mostly talked myself out of things. It's not the end of the world if I don't eat everything I want... or so I try to tell myself... Another mantra I am trying is "I can wait..." I did some cooking and some shopping so I have some healthy choices to get my week rolling. I have salad stuff, but I'll need to prepare them tomorrow. I just couldn't face more chopping this evening. Avoidance and denial are my two best friends these days... I wish they weren't...

Weary of failure...

I just can't seem to get a grip. I started out well today and felt positive, but as the day progressed, I started slipping down the proverbial slope and all was lost. And I feel horrible about it, but that doesn't seem to help. I looked at my thighs this evening and I was disgusted. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! I find myself missing my "thinner" body so much that it hurts. I didn't appreciate it then and thought I was still too fat, but OMG! Now I remember what disgusting is! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! And I am in so much pain... it can't all be from the added weight, but I am afraid to go to the doctor. Stupid, I know. But I can't take any more bad news right now...

So, what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

yogurt smoothie; blueberry muffin

Lunch:

BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad at CF

Dessert:

kiddie frozen yogurt at Kimball's on the way home from grocery shopping

As Iwas putting groceries away, I nibbled a little on leftover pork in fridge...

Snack:

mint candies and two small bowls of goldfish at work while I was changing Elaine's Room

Dinner:

small pizza with caramelized onions and roasted peppers ~ I ate the entire pizza. I was full after three slices, but I didn't want to save it and re-heat it and be disappointed, so I ate it and ended up disappointed in myself. UGH!

EXERCISE:

Walk at Pratt's Brook with Ryan's family

Weight: 252 OMG!

Precious

I watched the movie Precious tonight and as I head to bed, it is all I can think of, hence the title of this entry. What a painful, if wonderful, movie. I feel worn out and a little more empty than I'd like to feel. But back to me...

How did today go? Hmm...

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanutbutter and honey; 12 ounces skim milk

Snack with 2/3A:

applesauce and kashi crackers

Lunch:

sausage with zucchini, onion and cauliflower; cherries

Snack:

medium coffee coolatta mocha (tsk, tsk!)

Dinner:

roll with butter; salad with ranch dressing; sweet potato (1/2 a large one); pulled pork (a generous portion... and I brought home the rest, which is still a generous portion for another meal!)

EXERCISE:

Jones' Field Loop in a.m.

walk to cemetery with 2/3A

Pratt's Brook in the afternoon

So not a horrible day... and I keep thinking about what i am eating, as much as possible, so in that way it feels like a little progress, but I still have a long way to go to get back on track. Next step: start weighing myself every day... scary...

Hold on... I'm having a moment...

These past few days, I have been thinking about how hard it is to think about eating or not eating. I plan or I don't plan. I feel guilt or I feel deprived. I wish for success, but act on impulse (too often).

Today, for example, I was up early enough to cook food for lunch, but i took a walk and then spent too much time over breakfast. I took my shower and headed to work early, since I didn't really have enough time to make my eggs... This meant that I had to go out for lunch. And then at dinner time I wanted to eat out again, but I wrestled with myself and made myself go home and cook. It was a struggle around food all day... and with only partial success.

So what did I eat?

Breakfast:

2 blueberry muffins; skim milk

Snack:

cherries

Lunch:

New Yorker sandwich (corned beef, turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, russian dressing); small bag potato chips

Snack:

yogurt with raspberries and maple syrup; almonds

Dinner:

small baggie of portioned corn chips while I cooked; hot italian sausage sauteed with zucchini, onions, and cauliflower

Dessert:

kiddie cone at Erikson's ~ roasted butter almond

Can I get back to the days when I could eat 1 muffin and be satisfied? How about 1/2 a sandwich? Chips with lunch... fine... but did I need to eat the corn chips while I was making dinner?! But at least I made dinner (and it was delicious!) and I have leftovers for tomorrow's lunch. And, I did take a walk thins morning. That should count for something... baby steps...

Too busy to notice...

I want to care so much that I dedicate my waking moments to this weight loss endeavor. However, so far the commitment is intellectual and mechanical, not emotional and passionate, as I wish it to be. Today, I ate a fair amount of fairly healthy (over all) choices at fairly regular intervals, weaving meals around my busy schedule. But it wasn't a great day and I didn't advance my challenge so much as NOT screw up too badly. And that isn't good enough--- not by a long shot!

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 blueberry muffins (why 2?!); milk

Snack:

cherries

Lunch:

english muffin with peanutbutter and honey: yogurt with raspberries and maple syrup

Snack:

small coffee coolatta; blue corn chips in small baggie (pre-measured portion)

Dinner:

appetizers at Andrew's graduation ~ enough but not tons. I was a little hungry on the way home and wished to stop for pizza or something ~ anything. I refrained...

Late snack:

dry oat square cereal (just enough to take the edge off...)

So it could be worse, but it could be a whole lot better, too. I need to work the planning and discipline back into my eating regimen. Baby steps...

Stress hurts...

There is a commercial on TV for some drug... it says "Depression hurts." And the commercial is right about that... it does. I honestly don't know if drugs is the answer for some people or not. I only know that it is the wrong answer for me. Drugs scare me. I don't want to be dependent on anything in that way, so I will do anything to take care of my problems in any other way conceivable before bowing to the drug lords. But, that said, stress really does hurt ~ a lot!

I have been dealing with some stress and sadness about my relationship with a friend. I've screwed up and I've also "wished" for more than is there, in all probability, and that causes me great stress and worry. It leads to worry over other relationships and where I stand with all kinds of people and I start to feel hopeless... and then parts of my body literally hurt. My chest hurts, sometimes like my heart is breaking, so I know first hand where that saying comes from. The very bones of my chest ache and my stomach does flip-flops unbidden. I want to get better and I want not to hurt. I want to work things out with my friend and figure out where I stand so that I don't have to worry so much about who I am and who I am to someone else. I want to just "be."

All of this babbling means that life is challenging right now. And I am working on making it better. But right now, stress hurts.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

steel-cut oats with pecans and maple syrup and a splash of milk

Snack:

rice krispy treat and watermelon with MT

cherries on my break

Lunch:

chicken salad on multigrain with cranberry sauce; chips

Dinner:

cheeseburger with ketchup on a bun; potato salad; deviled eggs (2); veggies

Evening:

blueberry muffin after baking them for school

Healthier than the week-end, but still way more than I should be eating. I need to go back to 1/2 sandwich, for example. I need to get portions under control and I need to make good decisions (I could have had the cheeseburger without a bun, for example).

May tomorrow be better