Here it is...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

large bran muffin; milk; banana

Lunch:

shrimp; scallops; fries; onion rings; cole slaw

Snack: mocha coolatta on ride home

Dinner:

Salad from salad bar at Whole Foods

Goal for this week: make some plans, do some preparing and keep eating in check!

May tomorrow be better...

Doubts...

I always have my doubts...

Will I be able to be successful at weight loss? Do I deserve it? Am I making progress or fooling myself? When I say I am the same person no matter my size, do I even believe it for a second?!

I sat there this evening eating a string of things I shouldn't, including chips that I didn't like yet couldn't stop eating. I torture myself with feelings of desire for food that I often don't enjoy. How sick is that? Really---how sick does a person have to be to live like this? Will I find redemption? Can I live with not finding it? And what kind of life is it without it?

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

mocha coolatta---most of it; whole wheat bagel with egg, cheese, and sausage (I asked for no cheese but they put it on anyway)... I ate about 1/2

I was in a hurry to get to Oxbow so I ate junk for breakfast ~ YUCK!

Lunch:

Mike's at 2:00 ~ Yikes! scallops, shrimp, fries, onion rings

Snack:

2 cookies

Dinner:

small piece of steak; beans; summer slaw

Dessert:

ice cream, followed by a bran muffin, followed by 2 kinds of chips that I didn't like or enjoy but felt compelled to eat. When I eat like that I feel the most ashamed of who I am.

May tomorrow be better...

How can it be better?

PLAN!

THINK!

PREPARE!

DEVELOP HABITS!

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!

TRY NEW AND INTERESTING FOODS!

Get going before it's too late...

almost too tired...

I almost went to sleep without recording, but I am forcing myself so I don't abandon this fledgling habit.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 scrambled egg; tomato and avocado slices; milk

Snacks while working too hard at work:

peanutbutter granola bars (2)

blueberry muffin

yogurt with raspberries and honey

Dinner:

2 sliders; sweet potato fries; 1/2 salad (luau); 1/2 Chris' Outrageous Chocolate Cake

May tomorrow be better... or at least not worse...

I am going to be very busy and on the run, which doesn't bode well for smart eating, but I'll try to be conscious and a little conscientious when I can.

Struggling to "think"...

Today I kept working at thinking about eating... as in "I want to eat, but I should probably consider if it's a good idea or not." I kept asking myself if I really needed to eat or if I could wait until the next appropriate meal... and I almost did a bang-up job. I am making progress, even if I still have a ways to go...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

two blueberry muffins; milk

Lunch:

kale soup; yogurt with raspberries and honey

Late snack at Viv's as I waited for her (one of my "not-so-good" moments):

leftover Chinese lo mein noodles

Dinner:

two rolls dipped in olive oil (another not-so-good moment); 1/2 a salad; 1/2 a pasta dish with Viv

Sometimes I was able to make good choices and a few times I failed to make the best choice. I need to keep thinking so that eventually the eating thing won't feel so hard. Baby steps...

And may tomorrow be better...

Too long...

Fear is a funny thing to deal with. It's like a macabre dance. Am I ill? Am I making things worse? Am I gaining weight? Fear of these thoughts causes a sense of denial. On the one hand, the denial helps me tolerate the fears that threaten to overwhelm me, meaning I carry on. On the other hand, I tend to sabotage myself in denial---eating horribly and denying that it has any effect. I avoid the scale, avoid mirrors, avoid people. And then I eventually come close to the surface again, as I have today, and start to gain some perspective on my fears. I try to manage again and I try to face reality.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with snowfrisk cheese and honey; milk

Lunch:

kale soup; yogurt with honey and raspberries

Dinner:

corn bread with butter; BLT with avocado; sweet potato fries at Concord Market & Cafe

Dessert:

nutty bites from Trader Joe's while I made muffins

EXERCISE:

One and a half hour walk at Punkatasset

Weight (which I finally dared to take this morning): 255

Goal: between 175 and 190

So I didn't "shine" today, but I faced how I lived, recorded it, and will hopefully gain some strength from that effort.

And may tomorrow be better...

triggers...

I wasn't having a good day today and I made it worse by letting my eating go awry...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb&honey; milk

Snack:

peach

Snack:

blueberries in YT's

Snack:

crackers and hummos in 2/3's

Snack:

cucumber in staff room

Lunch:

pasta with sauce from 2/3's luncheon; kale soup; tomato sliced

Snack:

mocha coolatta

Dinner:

peach; 3 slices pizza with Donna and boys

Dessert:

frozen yogurt on waffle cone at Kimball's

When I see that list of snacks from the morning, I cringe. I just have to eat when I see food. How can I break that habit?! OMG!

May tomorrow be better...

Impulses...

Today was all over the board, with some "wins" and a loss or two...

So...what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb&honey; milk

Snack:

2 peaches (I started to eat a cupcake but I spit it out and threw the rest away). That was a close one!

Lunch:

kale soup; cucumber sliced and salted. I know I need to cut down on salt and I will work on that, but today was not that day...

Snack:

peach

Dinner:

2 pieces bread dipped in oil, cheese and hot pepper; lobster roll; hand-made chips; cranberry and seltzer with lime at Not Your Average Joe's with Andrew. I should've gotten the Cobb salad like I'd planned. The lobster roll was good but not as healthy a choice as the salad, especially after two hunks of bread! But OMG! It's fantastic bread!

No exercise because I went home to clean for company...

May tomorrow be better...