Today...

After posting yesterday's eating this morning, I got brave and finally weighed myself, fearing the worst since eating was so awful over the CHristmas week, especially. But with the many good choices this week (I guess...) it really wasn't too awful (comparatively!). I will count this as the official beginning of the next round of losing:

264

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

bowl of oat squares with milk

Snack:

large blueberry muffin (rectangle bake pan)

Lunch:

butternut soup; ham roll-ups

Snack:

two mugs of hot chocolate

Dinner:

chinese food at buffet in Littleton

May tomorrow be better...

Falling and forgetting...

I woke this morning realizing I never posted last night. Maybe because I fell off the wagon a bit? So... this is me getting back on.

So... what did I eat yesterday?

Breakfast:

ez english muffin with pb and jam; milk

Snack:

orange; 3 squares of chocolate

Lunch:

butternut soup; rice with zucchini and peas

Snack:

yogurt with peaches and syrup; pistachios

Dinner:

carrot, celery and dip while making dinner; potato, carrot and brussels sprouts; ham slices

Dessert:

9 chocolate penguins ~ Yup! I ate the entire box of chocolates... not a shining moment...

May today be better...

Teetering still...

Starting again is S-O-O-O HARD! As much as I want to succeed, I also want to eat---anything and everything. And I can't. And I want to anyway. So today had many temptations and I "won" several of the battles. But I also slipped a few times and that is hard when the attempt at change is so new.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

Scrambled eggs and asparagus; milk

Snack:

peanutbutter crackers and apple slices with 2/3B ~ I popped the crackers without even thinking.

Lunch:

Butternut soup; turkey roll-ups; potato chips that were in the break room (ouch!); yogurt

On my way to knitting I really wanted Starbuck's and it was a battle epic to avoid it but I made it...

Dinner:

Leftover salmon and broccoli; brown rice with grilled zucchini, onion and peas

Dessert:

2 reese's christmas trees from DM (I wanted to eat all six, so I suppose in a weird universe this could be a success of sorts... but it feels like the failure I know it to be...)

May tomorrow be better...

Hard work goes on...

Today was hard, with many temptations and some failures (failure to plan and follow through...).

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 large ww pecan pancakes w/maple syrup and butter; milk

Snack:

a few bites of jell-o as I prepared snack; blackberries (my planned snack on break...)

Lunch:

apple (in class as children ate); butternut soup; a little leftover tuna (kind of yucky, so I tossed the end---it was "stale")

Snack:

a little mini muffin from Thomas; yogurt with syrup and raspberries

Dinner:

mashed potatoes; beef bourguignon; sauteed chinese cabbage

Dessert:

ice cream and several LU cookies

I definitely should NOT have had ice cream and cookies---will I have to start skipping the Tuesday dinners?!

I also did not go to the gym on my way home ~ tired and cold ~ so this feels like a failure. I really do hate the gym, but I don't want to walk in the mornings when it is so dark and cold, either...hmmm... and I am really sore from yesterday's gym trip (and not in a good way). I pounded my joints and that's not good...

May tomorrow be better...

Taking another step...

I made another tentative step down the road to success, whatever that means. I struggled most of the day with what to eat and how much to consume. In the end, I did okay, but it hasn't been easy and right now I'd like a hot fudge sundae or 3. The tentative step is that I made it to the gym today. It was awful and I hated much of it, but I did it. I hated seeing myself in the mirrors there. I hated the equipment and the crowds and the mind-numbing boredom... but I managed the elliptical machine for 7 and 1/2 minutes before my calves cramped, and then I moved on to an available treadmill for 25 minutes. My goal was a half hour of exercise, so I just made it. I am sore tonight... obviously I go faster on a treadmill than I do on the road or woods because I go a LOT longer when I walk naturally and i don't get this kind of sore. Hmm... how can I keep the gym interesting and not let it become about despising myself?

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

ezekiel english muffin with peanutbutter and jam; milk

Snack:

blackberries

Lunch:

beef stoup

Snack:

cucumbers and carrots with dip; pistachios

Dinner:

I mashed potato; 2 slices grilled zucchini; broccoli; pan-fried salmon

I am in bed now so I practice sleeping and so I won't eat. One of my goals for the new year is to get more sleep and I need to learn to be a better sleeper...

May tomorrow be better...

Tiptoe, tiptoe...

I am trying so hard and I am so afraid. I am tiptoeing around this and being very careful not to push too hard or make it all impossible. I am struggling with emotions and physical sensations along with the changes I am trying to make. Today I was taking a walk and two cars arrived at the same spot as me and everyone had to decide who was going first. I got impatient and flagged a guy on, grumbling. The driver of the second vehicle saw my crabby face, likely, and rolled down her window, saying "Happy New Year." She wasn't being sarcastic, exactly, but she wasn't being nice, either. It seemed like one of those moments of being "put in my place." I was not gracious, unfortunately, confirming my inferiority. I HATE that about me. My nerves are definitely on edge and I am concerned about how I will be at work. I may have to call the doctor about this hormone supplement, if that is in fact what is making me so edgy.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

2 largish whole wheat pancakes with butter and maple syrup (delicious!)

Lunch:

yogurt raspberry smoothie with maple syrup; two thin slices of ham; carrots and cucumbers with ranch dip

Dinner:

2 slices bread with butter; salad; shrimp and scallop fra diavlo at Chateau

The bread and butter was too much and there was a lot of pasta (not huge, but more white pasta than I should eat). I need to cut up and have on hand more veggies so I get enough in for the day. Tomorrow I will cook some more choices, too, so i won't be tempted to eat out...

May tomorrow be better...

Teetering on the brink...

It is a new year today and I have been hoping for a miracle---that this would be the time I found my pixie dust. I am teetering on the edge... working so hard and yet not quite making it. But I didn't totally fail today, either and that leaves me with hope. Tomorrow is another day and I can keep trying---I WILL keep trying until I get this right.

I want to live. I don't know why yet, but I know I want to find out.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

scrambled eggs (2); grilled asparagus (10 spears)

Snack:

raspberry smoothie

Lunch:

leftover zucchini rice (small serving); a few bites of beef stoup

Impulse gorge:

fudge in fridge---I finally spit out the last of it and threw it all away

Later, I popped a handful of m&m's on the way through the livingroom (habit)

Dinner:

tuna sandwich on ezekiel english muffin with 1 slice of pepperjack cheese; milk

So there were some rough moments and many times I wanted to eat much more than this, especially throughout the evening... but I managed to stay clear of the kitchen.

I feel awful, but I know that I have tomorrow to try again...

And may tomorrow be better...