Oy!

I am holding on, but it isn't easy.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

banana; cereal with milk; a few peanuts

Lunch:

rice with veggies; spinach souffle

Snack:

1/2 cup cocoa (ran out of milk)

Dinner:

sauteed chicken and onions in a curry sauce with peas, served over boiled potatoes and carrots

It was AWESOME! Sometimes these "thrown together" dinners are perfect!

Dessert:

caramel apple I got when I went out for milk for tomorrow's breakfast

I shoveled for nearly three hours today, if that counts as exercise...

May tomorrow be better...

Pizza and stress...

OK, I don't know what is causing the stress and the increased eating urges (obsessions!), but I have a few guesses and it could be a combination:

1. It could be the hormone supplement~I am at the start of a 10-day round

2. It could be the stress of snow and shoveling

3. It could be thinking about moving out and all that it entails (YIKES!)

4. And it could be all the social challenges of my life

So... what did I eat today? And what did I want to eat but avoided?

Breakfast:

cereal ~ a mix of multigrain and high fiber (Barbara's) with milk

Snack:

banana muffin with 2/3A

Lunch:

brown rice with veggies; spinach souffle; one butterscotch candy

Snack:

goldfish with YT's

Dinner:

an entire small pizza (extra sauce/light on the cheese)

Dessert:

hot cocoa

I obsessed about potato chips and really wanted them all evening, but avoided the temptation. I wanted ice cream, cookies, cake---anything sweet, which is why I finally had the hot cocoa, which satisfied the urge for sweet.

May tomorrow be better...

The temptation of cookies...

Other than the cookies in the staff room, this was a pretty good day. Oh, the temptation of cookies...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

I tried a new cereal, a health version of Life cereal from Barbara's. It was tasty, but I am not sure how nutritious or filling... I had it with milk and a banana

Snacks:

Several pairs of cookies at a few points throughout the morning as I passed through the staff room...

Lunch:

veggies and dip (pea pods, celery, and carrots with ranch); a bean burrito from a celophane wrapper (I picked it up at Debra's, I think). I was okay, but weird to not have my own homemade lunch. A few more cookies...

Dinner:

Fried rice with veggies; spinach and ricotta souffle with a little asiago (could've used more!)

Dessert:

hot cocoa

May tomorrow be better... and devoid of cookies!

Stress=Distance

As I struggle with stress, I struggle with distancing myself from my weight loss attempts and that just makes things worse. Tonight's entry is an attempt to combat that. I don't want to be blogging, but I am pushing myself to, to stave off a bad rut of avoidance. We'll see...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

Pizza toast ~ two slices of ez bread with pepperjack cheese and sauce; a few peanuts

Late lunch with Viv:

2 pieces of bread dipped in olive oil and cheese; french fries; turkey club sandwich at NYAJoe's

Evening snack:

caramel apple with peanuts

Not the healthiest choices...

I went snowshoeing today with Viv at Ipswich River Sanctuary. We fed the birds and had a wonderful, long hike.

So... ups and downs... May tomorrow be better...

Knowing and doing...

Carefully, carefully I navigate between knowing what to do and actually doing it... it isn't easy and sometimes feels impossible, like today. Another snow day meant I was home unexpectedly... never a good thing. I spent too long shoveling too much snow so my body ached and was fatigued. And I was left on my own in a way that felt like abandonment, even if it wasn't meant that way, which made me feel hurt and alone. All temptations to overeat. I spent all afternoon considering going out and finally decided to stay in---the effort seemed too great and I didn't want to bother spending money when in such a mood. Besides, I knew I had decent food here and I didn't want to binge or eat too much out and then eat home food, too, potentially. It was a struggle...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit; apricot/date bread, toasted with butter

Snack:

minneola; peanuts after shoveling

Lunch:

whole wheat pasta with sausages and sauce with ricotta cheese

Dinner:

2 slices ez bread pizza with pepperjack cheese; pea pods, carrot sticks, celery sticks with dip

Hot cocoa for dessert

So I made it through the day, but not in a happy or satisfying way. I survived, which is the bare minimum of existence. I can do better than this...

May tomorrow be better...

Fearing success, fearing failure...

It is hard to have a little success because now I fear screwing it up and I fear I am not worthy of it, somehow. How wrong is that?! Anyway, it is wearing on me. I will continue to muddle through and get past this tricky spot of almost beginning but still feeling like I am on the brink...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 thick slice apricot date bread, toasted, with butter; milk

This bread is so delicious, I can't even describe it...

Snack:

banana muffin with 2/3B

Lunch:

salmon casserole; yogurt with raspberries and syrup

Snack:

Hot cocoa; peanuts

Dinner:

whole wheat pasta with sausages and sauce with ricotta cheese; green beans

This was a challenge because there was an undetermined amount of pasta left in a bag and I cooked it all, along with three sausages. I ate a generous portion and controlled myself not to go back for more (though I clearly could...). I separated the remaining food into two containers, figuring it was about right, portionally, and it made sense because there were three sausages to start. This sounds simple and normal and ordinary... but for me this was a win. Sad, perhaps, but this is still a noticeable thing for me. I ate fairly reasonably when I could have binged and blamed old habits. A small win, but a win none the less...

And may tomorrow be better...

Tenuous grip...

Oh, is it ever so fragile! I finally got brave enough to weigh myself this morning and discovered that I've lost 6 pounds in January. I was relieved, but I also realize that I could/should be doing so much better. Isn't that always the way? Instead of celebrating a six pound loss as a win, my mind went straight to "Well, I could have done so much better if only I'd..."

And then today got busy and stressful and I was distracted and run down... which meant some mindless eating. I can't let these moments undo all my hard work and I need to stay focused and ready for battle.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

a thick slice of apricot date bread, toasted with butter (OMG!); milk

Snack:

banana muffin in 2/3A

Lunch:

cucumber, sliced; salmon casserole

Snack:

banana; raspberry yogurt with syrup

Snack:

2 squares of chocolate as I rushed around setting up for meeting

Dinner:

2 slices pizza; several handfuls of m&m's

I started to feel very ill part way through the evening---exhausted and nauseous. I realized I hadn't had much water today and quickly drank two pints. I felt better almost immediately and I drank two more big glasses when I got home a while ago. The scary thing is, though, that I still don't have to pee---how dehydrated is that?!

Lesson learned: don't avoid drinking because I am too busy or because drinking makes me cold. Staying hydrated helps me limit how much I "binge," too. It is an established fact for me...

May tomorrow be better...