The temptation of cookies...

Other than the cookies in the staff room, this was a pretty good day. Oh, the temptation of cookies...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

I tried a new cereal, a health version of Life cereal from Barbara's. It was tasty, but I am not sure how nutritious or filling... I had it with milk and a banana

Snacks:

Several pairs of cookies at a few points throughout the morning as I passed through the staff room...

Lunch:

veggies and dip (pea pods, celery, and carrots with ranch); a bean burrito from a celophane wrapper (I picked it up at Debra's, I think). I was okay, but weird to not have my own homemade lunch. A few more cookies...

Dinner:

Fried rice with veggies; spinach and ricotta souffle with a little asiago (could've used more!)

Dessert:

hot cocoa

May tomorrow be better... and devoid of cookies!

Stress=Distance

As I struggle with stress, I struggle with distancing myself from my weight loss attempts and that just makes things worse. Tonight's entry is an attempt to combat that. I don't want to be blogging, but I am pushing myself to, to stave off a bad rut of avoidance. We'll see...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

Pizza toast ~ two slices of ez bread with pepperjack cheese and sauce; a few peanuts

Late lunch with Viv:

2 pieces of bread dipped in olive oil and cheese; french fries; turkey club sandwich at NYAJoe's

Evening snack:

caramel apple with peanuts

Not the healthiest choices...

I went snowshoeing today with Viv at Ipswich River Sanctuary. We fed the birds and had a wonderful, long hike.

So... ups and downs... May tomorrow be better...

Knowing and doing...

Carefully, carefully I navigate between knowing what to do and actually doing it... it isn't easy and sometimes feels impossible, like today. Another snow day meant I was home unexpectedly... never a good thing. I spent too long shoveling too much snow so my body ached and was fatigued. And I was left on my own in a way that felt like abandonment, even if it wasn't meant that way, which made me feel hurt and alone. All temptations to overeat. I spent all afternoon considering going out and finally decided to stay in---the effort seemed too great and I didn't want to bother spending money when in such a mood. Besides, I knew I had decent food here and I didn't want to binge or eat too much out and then eat home food, too, potentially. It was a struggle...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit; apricot/date bread, toasted with butter

Snack:

minneola; peanuts after shoveling

Lunch:

whole wheat pasta with sausages and sauce with ricotta cheese

Dinner:

2 slices ez bread pizza with pepperjack cheese; pea pods, carrot sticks, celery sticks with dip

Hot cocoa for dessert

So I made it through the day, but not in a happy or satisfying way. I survived, which is the bare minimum of existence. I can do better than this...

May tomorrow be better...

Fearing success, fearing failure...

It is hard to have a little success because now I fear screwing it up and I fear I am not worthy of it, somehow. How wrong is that?! Anyway, it is wearing on me. I will continue to muddle through and get past this tricky spot of almost beginning but still feeling like I am on the brink...

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1 thick slice apricot date bread, toasted, with butter; milk

This bread is so delicious, I can't even describe it...

Snack:

banana muffin with 2/3B

Lunch:

salmon casserole; yogurt with raspberries and syrup

Snack:

Hot cocoa; peanuts

Dinner:

whole wheat pasta with sausages and sauce with ricotta cheese; green beans

This was a challenge because there was an undetermined amount of pasta left in a bag and I cooked it all, along with three sausages. I ate a generous portion and controlled myself not to go back for more (though I clearly could...). I separated the remaining food into two containers, figuring it was about right, portionally, and it made sense because there were three sausages to start. This sounds simple and normal and ordinary... but for me this was a win. Sad, perhaps, but this is still a noticeable thing for me. I ate fairly reasonably when I could have binged and blamed old habits. A small win, but a win none the less...

And may tomorrow be better...

Tenuous grip...

Oh, is it ever so fragile! I finally got brave enough to weigh myself this morning and discovered that I've lost 6 pounds in January. I was relieved, but I also realize that I could/should be doing so much better. Isn't that always the way? Instead of celebrating a six pound loss as a win, my mind went straight to "Well, I could have done so much better if only I'd..."

And then today got busy and stressful and I was distracted and run down... which meant some mindless eating. I can't let these moments undo all my hard work and I need to stay focused and ready for battle.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

a thick slice of apricot date bread, toasted with butter (OMG!); milk

Snack:

banana muffin in 2/3A

Lunch:

cucumber, sliced; salmon casserole

Snack:

banana; raspberry yogurt with syrup

Snack:

2 squares of chocolate as I rushed around setting up for meeting

Dinner:

2 slices pizza; several handfuls of m&m's

I started to feel very ill part way through the evening---exhausted and nauseous. I realized I hadn't had much water today and quickly drank two pints. I felt better almost immediately and I drank two more big glasses when I got home a while ago. The scary thing is, though, that I still don't have to pee---how dehydrated is that?!

Lesson learned: don't avoid drinking because I am too busy or because drinking makes me cold. Staying hydrated helps me limit how much I "binge," too. It is an established fact for me...

May tomorrow be better...

Hmm...

I am struggling to stay the course and temptations are swamping me.

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

Scone with jam; milk; banana

Snack:

scone with jam

Lunch:

butternut soup; bread pudding cake

Dinner:

salmon casserole; small bag of chips (because I knew they were in the cabinet...); raspberry smoothie to ward off the munchies (it worked)

May tomorrow be better...

Auto Pilot eating...

I had a bad day and ate horribly. Yesterday was an outing and a treat---today was just plain foolish and disgusting when I think about it. Stress and depression and too much ,,, I don't know, really, just "too much..."

So... what did I eat today?

Breakfast:

1/2 bread pudding "cake"; hot cocoa; banana

Lunch:

salmon casserole

Dinner:

Chips and salsa; black bean and corn empanadas; jambalaya; diet coke with lots of lemon

Snack:

scone (small) while I was making them for tomorrow

I went shopping for a dress for Michelle's wedding and trying on clothes always causes great stress. What sense it makes to then pig out I cannot explain, but there you go. It is an addiction, I know, so there is no logic to it. I crashed, unfortunately. They are very unhealthy---way too salty, high in bad fat... and followed on top of nearly an entire basket of chips (also too salty!), it just makes very bad sense...

Please, please, please... may tomorrow be better...